


Memories Remain.

by sunshine9



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Spoilers for chapter 84, post chapter 84
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 01:59:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7782466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshine9/pseuds/sunshine9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He stopped counting the years that have passed since then. The young owners of the coffee shop only knew him as a veteran of the war against the Titans, which occurred more than 30 years ago. Levi remembers Erwin Smith from decades ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He stopped counting the years that have passed since then. He watched the glass in his hand.  
  
To know something like the back of your hand - it is a wrong saying, he though. The back of his own hand holding the glass of whiskey looked brittle and dry; dark veins protruding over the narrow bones and old joints. How did they get this way when it felt like only yesterday that his hands clutched the blades of his 3D maneuver gear, young blood pumping through the veins. Surely these trembling hands were not all that he was left with.  
  
The dim lights behind the bartender refracted through the whiskey in the glass and onto the wooden surface of the counter.  He brought the glass up to his lips and gulped the last of the burning liquid.  
  
Forget, he thought, even though he has told himself the same command over and over again all these years and it was pointless to repeat it anymore.  
  
Levi ran his coarse fingers through his hair, which was no longer as thick as it used to be and now mostly gray. It was quiet at the bar he frequented. A few men sat at a table not far of. They talked quietly among themselves. A woman's voice sang softly from the juke box in the corner and it must have been almost closing time.  
  
Time -  it passed so quickly, though Levi. He watched his hands again. The dim light behind the bartender made his skin appear dark and red, and the longer he looked the redder it seemed to become. It felt like only yesterday his skin was drenched in this same red color - the blood of the monsters and his comrades.  
  
Forget, he thought, even though he knew he couldn't and never will.  
  
"Some people find it hard to practice acceptance," Erwin said that to him once, or maybe not. No matter, it was something that Erwin would definitely say, he though. "And I see it comes difficult to you too."  
  
"Isn't it obvious why? I thought you of all people would know. I refuse to accept because I refuse to give up," is what Levi thought he would reply to that man with the sharp jaw and clever eyes.  
  
"So you think accepting is giving up? Hmm, I wouldn't think of it that way," Erwin would say back.  
  
"What would you think of it then?"  
  
"I would say it's moving on - moving forward. You grow," Erwin would say and take a sip of the cold whiskey.  
  
Levi hardly noticed the bartender refill his glass. He took another sip, feeling the cold liquid burn his throat.  
  
"Oh, we all know he would need that, but I think it's too late for him unfortunately," Hange would say.  
  
Levi rolled his eyes at this juvenile statement.  
  
"That ship has sailed for you, Levi, my little friend. Though I think maybe in the future there is a chance we may use proteins from the Titans to stimulate bone growth, I was just talking to - "  
  
"How about you _stop_ talking, old hag," Levi snapped.  
  
Erwin would be there, the corners of his mouth slightly raised, watching Hange sigh dramatically and lift her empty glass towards the bartender.  
  
The woman's soft voice from the juke box continued singing, he caught a bit of her words:  
  
_All this time I have waited for you…_  
  
Levi scrunched his eyes and rubbed them with one hand while in his other the glass almost slipped from his grip making the whiskey silently slosh back and forth.  
  
Erwin sloshed the whiskey in his own glass thoughtfully.  
  
"What are you thinking about?" Levi asked.  
  
Erwin's strong eyebrows were slightly furrowed and serious.The dimness of the room made his blue eyes appear unusually dark. He had an air of authority around him. If Levi was more romantic, he would call him beautiful. Erwin turned his face towards him, with a smirk playing at a corner of his mouth and his eyes looking like they really wanted to know.  
  
"Do you miss me?" said the Commander.  
  
Levi choked and doubled over in a coughing fit. After a few moments, he was able to clear his throat and sit back up. He caught the bartender eyeing him but he ignored him and took another sip from the glass, fixing his gaze at the bottles and the light behind the counter instead.  
  
Minutes passed and he heard Erwin's low voice chuckle.  
  
"Some things are really hard to forget," he said. "No matter how hard you try, the memories still remain. They haunt you, don't they?…. They haunt me too."  
  
"So much for your 'acceptance', huh?" Levi smirked.  
  
"I never said _I_ was accepting either," Erwin smiled back. "You and I are similar in that sense. Well, in a lot of sense actually…," he added softly.  
  
Levi watched the Commander's handsome face, symmetrical and so different from his own, surrounded by vibrant blonde hair, neatly combed back. His eyes moved down to the man's broad shoulders and rested on the two-winged emblem on his uniform.  
  
"I haven't seen that sign for a long time now," Levi said, nudging the Commander's shoulder. "No one even remembers the Survey Corps anymore, let alone care about what we've done. All the things we've done…"  
  
"Other people seem to forget quickly," Erwin replied. "And we must let them. We didn't do it for the glory."  
  
Levi sighed. "What did we do it for, then?"  
  
"So people could forget. Humanity must accept the mistakes it made and move on."  
  
"Bullshit…" Levi scowled. "What good is there in that? Accepting, forgetting, and repeating the same mistakes over and over again."  
  
"Accepting and forgetting isn't the same as repeating, Levi. You accept in order to grow, and forget the horrors in order to move on. It's quite the opposite - repeating comes from a lack of acceptance. If you can't even admit - can't even accept - that mistakes were made, of course there is a likely chance that you will make the same mistakes again," Erwin said.  
  
After a moment Levi replied, "Tch…. I don't buy it. Look around you, the world is still shit."  
  
"Always the pessimist, aren't you?" Erwin sighed.  
  
"So are you."  
  
"Think of the most important thing, Levi - the monsters are gone."  
  
"The monsters are still here," Levi scowled. "They are up there in the parliament, surrounded by their military dogs and money-sucking whores. We are no better than we were before."  
  
"No," Erwin said firmly. "We are where we are supposed to be. The most important thing has always been to eliminate the Titans, Levi. Humanity will take care of itself in a way that it's supposed to after that. It will never be perfect, but it must go on."  
  
"Does it ever end?" Levi looked at Erwin. The dim light reflected gently in the Commander's eyes and his face was serene. He opened his mouth to reply.  
  
"We'll be closing soon, Sir," the bartender's voice seemed to boom through the quiet bar. The woman from the juke box had stopped singing and the men that sat at the table had gone.  
  
He looked down at his empty glass and pushed it towards the bartender along with his pay. He glanced at his Commander, who took another sip of whiskey.  
  
"…Later then," he said, and with a nod to the bartender walked out of the quiet bar he frequented and into the darkness of the early morning. 


	2. Chapter 2

His face was pale and sickly under the early morning glow. He hadn't shaved in a long while, making his usually smooth face appear even more strange. Levi sat by his side. They didn't even need any excuses anymore. The other's have learned to leave these two to themselves.  
  
In Levi's opinion, Erwin didn't look well enough to talk, but nonetheless, the Commander insisted on having meetings and discussions about the events that have happened while he was ill and in surgery. Though he tried not to, Levi couldn't help but eye the bandaged stump where Erwin's right arm use to be.  
  
"It's funny the things you remember sometimes," Erwin suddenly said. Levi looked at him and twitched an eyebrow in return. "I remember my father bringing this sack of potatoes once. I was cleaning them out and noticed that one of the potatoes was shaped almost exactly like a tortoise. Like a small tortoise." Erwin extended out his left hand, making a shape as if he was gripping that same potato now. "Except it was a three legged tortoise. It was missing a limb," he smiled wryly.  
  
"What are you trying to say?" Levi sighed.  
  
"Nothing. Just thinking," said Erwin.  
  
"I think the tea is about ready," Levi shifted to get up.  
  
"I'm sorry for choking you before," Erwin said softly.  
  
Levi looked positively disgusted. "What?" he said.  
  
"That time….I shouldn't have done that," Erwin insisted. "I keep thinking about it."  
  
"Don't. All this thinking - maybe that's how you lost your fucking arm. Swinging it around like a brainless lunatic. You got what you deserve," Levi spat.  
  
It was Erwin's turn to sigh now. "Like I said, this is not nearly enough of what I deserve," he said. "…I'm sorry."  
  
"You're making me sick," Levi stood up.  
  
"I hurt you," Erwin said, his face furrowed. He didn't meet the Corporal's eye.  
  
"Oh, fuck you, Erwin. You loose one arm and you start acting like a menopausal woman. One minute talking nonsense, the next, smiling like a freak… _Hurt_ me? Are you _kidding?_ I could kill you in my sleep! Don't think you ever hurt me," Levi heaved. His fists clenched together in agitation; he took a few steps towards the tea pot.

Erwin watched him carefully.  
  
"You know," he began, "I admire you, Levi. I don't think I've ever seen you have a single moment of weakness."  
  
Levi raised his eyebrows.  
  
"But," Erwin continued, "We are all only human. No one can be strong forever, and I've known you long enough to know that you are an even better actor than me."  
  
Levi walked over to the tea pot and began filling a cup.  
  
"Here," he handed it to Erwin, disdain written all over his face.  
  
Erwin took it hesitantly.  
  
"I guess the job is far from done then. Seems we all have something to work on," Levi said, taking a seat on the chair beside the bed again, crossing his legs.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"You - on getting back to reaching your dreams, and me - on my acting skills. I can't have it that you can see through me so easily."  
  
Erwin smirked.  
  
"You should wear one of those red cabaret dressing while you're at it. That'll really throw me off," he said.  
  
"Oh you'd like that wouldn't you?" Levi nodded with a leer.  
  
Erwin hid his smile in his cup of tea. Whether it was the hot steam from the cup or not, it looked like in that moment some color returned to the man's deathly face.


	3. Chapter 3

It was raining hard. Their carriage couldn't stop at the entrance and left them a few meters away from their building. The brief walk in the downpour caused them both to be soaked to their bones.

Once inside, Levi quickly removed his cloak - the cold air in the room making his white shirt stick uncomfortably to his skin sending goosebumps up his flesh. Neither had bothered to turn on the lights, and considering it was dark outside as well, the room was nearly pitch black. Levi turned around to look behind him. Erwin was standing by the tall window, appearing to look at something even though the rain was smearing the glass in thick sheets making everything outside appear blurry.

"What are you looking at?" Levi scoffed.

Erwin turned his gaze to him, his expression unreadable. A strand of his wet hair fell to his face and his cheeks looked slightly flushed. Perhaps he had a fever, Levi though. The young officer looked at Levi for a second more then said, "Come here." 

As Levi came closer he saw that he was mistaken. There was a different excitement in his partner's eyes. Levi loved this spark of life in these eyes that usually looked so cold and distant.

Erwin leaned down and kissed him; slow and long, cupping the back of his head with one hand, the other making it's way firmly down to his waist. He maneuvered them behind the thick window curtain. The rain continued to roar outside as they stood in the shadows. 

Erwin let his hands run over the smaller man's body, feeling the firm muscles and bones he had felt many times before. One hand stopped to grip Levi's waist while the other moved down to cup his ass and squeeze painfully hard. 

Just as he wanted, Levi moaned into his kiss. Levi grabbed Erwin by the collar. 

"Wanna finish what we started this morning, huh?" Levi breathed.

"Sitting through that meeting was excruciating," Erwin whispered in his ear. 

Levi barked a laugh. "No shit," he said and began unbuckling Erwin's belt. Erwin's cock was already hard and hot to his touch. Levi messaged it up and down, causing Erwin's breath to hitch and his grip on Levi's hips to tighten. 

Erwin rested his head on Levi's shoulder, breathing hard and uneven as Levi stroked him. After a moment his hands found Levi's belt and he began unbuckling it too. 

Levi himself was hard as well, and Erwin's cool touch send shivers down his spine. He wanted to feel his cock against Erwin's but he couldn't reach. Instinctively, he wrapped a free hand around Erwin's shoulders to try to raise himself up a few inches higher, but Erwin made it easier for him.

He slid his hand under Levi's ass, lifting him up and slamming him hard against the wall. Levi felt his breath rush out of him and the wallpaper crinkle uncomfortable behind his wet back. Erwin held both of their cocks together in one hand, stroking up and down, breathing hard in Levi's ear. 

Levi loosely wrapped his legs around Erwin's waist, enjoying the pressure of his partner's weight squeezing him against the wall. He used a free hand to bring Erwin's chin up for a kiss, catching sight of his lover's enamored expression and knowing that he was the only one who got to see him this way. 

Erwin began to rock back and forth as he stroked the both of them; each rock feeling more like a wave of pressure pinning Levi harder and harder against the bricks of the wall. They were both close. 

Levi traced his hand across Erwin's body. It was too soon to admit it, but he knew he loved him. He loved every part of him - his broad shoulders, his strong arms, the nape of his neck, as well as his stubbornness and determination, the sharpness of his eyes. 

Though they both appeared different, they were anything but. Levi recognized real strength and wit, and he trusted this man with his life. He wanted to always be a part of whatever plan this man had. 

Erwin came with a groan, loosing his grip on Levi's hips and letting him slide down the wall. Levi fell to the floor cursing, but proceeded to cup his own erection and jerk himself off. He didn't have to stay there long, the scent of Erwin's come and their sex set off his own release quickly after. He looked up to Erwin looking down on him.

Erwin broke into a grin and then a laugh, "Sorry about that," he said. 

"You got no strength at all," commented Levi, pretending to be cross. "I don't even know how you operate the 3D gear with those noodles you call arms."

"Well, that's not very true," Erwin cocked his head to the side mockingly, his hair slightly disheveled. "You know what I can do with these arms." He took a seat on the edge of a table beside the window, having tucked himself away, and was wiping his hands on a handkerchief. 

"I think next time I should be the one to pin you to the wall like that. See how you like it," Levi said, rubbing the back of his shoulder. Erwin laughed. 

"What are you looking at now?" Levi asked. The young officer was once again staring out the window.

"The rain had stopped," he replied. "I just noticed."

Levi had finished wiping his own hands and was combing his hair when a thought made him pause, "…Shouldn't we be somewhere?" he said hesitantly. 

They exchanged a look, and another grin spread on Erwin's face. Levi didn't think he was conceited to think that he had never seen this man smile so much unless he was with him. 

"Time to go," Erwin whipped his used handkerchief against Levi's shoulder as he got up, causing Levi to flinch in disgust. 

He cursed under his breath and made a mental note of this incident as he followed his partner through the door.


	4. Chapter 4

He wanted to get away. Far away from the bustling city and the gradually returning population. The world, it seems, was expanding. 

It was summer and he sat in the quietest part of the street he knew. A little coffee shop on the corner that few people seemed to visit. He sat at the edge of the shop, in the shade; far away from the hot afternoon rays of the Sun. Daytime was the worst. The bright Sun, cloudless sky, and busy activities of the city gave him a migraine. He would spend many hours in that shop, reading the paper, drinking tea, and occasionally helping with the cleaning. The owners of the shop have become familiar with him, however, no one in the area could say they have come to know him "well," even after all these years. 

The young owners of the coffee shop only knew him as a veteran of the war against the Titans, which occurred more than 30 years ago. Sometimes, when he was done reading the daily paper and simply sat at that small table in the shade of the store, they could see the shadows of the war on his face, but other times, they saw him smile to himself and his lips would move slightly. It seemed that those were the good days. They never asked him about the past, only if he would like more tea or perhaps some coffee or another pastry or two. 

The Sun was finally setting, and with a brisk wave, Levi left the coffee shop. He lived in a small apartment nearby, though unfortunately facing a busy road. That evening he did not feel like going to the pub he usually spend his evenings in. He did not know what possessed him, but he felt a strong urge to open the drawer of his nightstand and take out a small box full of old memorabilia. 

His small bed creaked under his weight as he placed the box beside him. His eyes drifted past most of the objects and rested on a green bolo tie. He took it out, hesitantly running his fingers through the leather string until finally feeling the cool metal of the pendant against his palm. The green of the pendant seemed duller now than he remembered. 

There was a chuckle. "You can keep it if you want," he heard Erwin say. "You seem to like it a lot."

"No, it means something to you…" he shook his head. 

"Nonsense. I want you to have it," Erwin replied. 

"No," Levi closed his eyes. "It's yours. It will always be yours." 

Erwin was silent. Levi could feel him standing in the corner of the room, away from the window and the setting Sun that was searing through. He could hear Erwin's steady breathing, or was it his own?

Finally a sinister smile spread on Levi's face. "How long are you gonna keep standing there?" He snickered. 

Erwin sighed. "I'll always be here." Levi could hear him smiling.

"Right there in that corner?" Levi laughed.

"Exactly."

"You're such an fool… I don't know why anyone's ever bothered to listen to you."

"It's a mystery," Erwin smiled. 

Levi's smile faded and he said, "I did what you said to do. I've kept my promise."

"I know. I think we've talked our hearts out about this a lot already, we don't have to keep doing this," Erwin reassured. 

"I know… but I want to make sure you knew."

"Yes, I know."

Levi paused. "I let you go," he said.

"No, you did what I wanted you to," Erwin said. "It's just how you are."

"Your faithful dog," sighed Levi. He heard Erwin laugh; the laugh seemed a little too delighted. 

"I wouldn't put it that way, no," Erwin finally said. His voice got quiet. "You are my ally…. My friend…and I will always be yours."

"How touching," Levi said dully. All of a sudden, he felt Erwin's fingers graze the bottom of his chin.

"You saved me, Levi. I'm free now. Don't think that I'm not grateful," he murmured softly. 

His knuckles slid slowly underneath Levi's chin and Levi forgot to breathe. But before he knew it, the hand was gone and he heard Erwin move towards the door.

"Where're you going?" It came out more urgent than he intended it to sound.

"I have an errant to run and it's getting late. I will be back soon," Erwin said. "Wait for me."

"Alright," Levi swallowed. He opened his eyes just in time to see the door of his small apartment close. 

"Thank you…," he heard Erwin say.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is about many years after the war against the Titans and many years after chapter 84, in which Erwin dies. I wanted to write an angst-y story so I wrote it about an older-Levi and all the memories and loneliness he carries with him. 
> 
> I compiled a little playlist to go along with this fic, but I'm too lazy to put it together on youtube or something. Still, if anyone is interested in the music I had intended to go with this story it's:  
> The Antlers - Kettering  
> Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Soft Shock  
> The White Birch - Breathe  
> The Bravery - An Honest Mistake (Acoustic)  
> The Bravery - Hatefuck  
> Crystal Castles - Affection  
> Daughter - Touch  
> Daughter - Landfill  
> Keane - Bedshaped  
> Metallica - The memory remains (instrumental)


End file.
